hey. today is my birthday and i want 2 tell what i got 4 my b-day. ok when i got home i opened 2 presents. i got bakugan!!!!!!!! i got a whole 30-set deck of cards and 3 new bakugan with 6 new cards so i have 36 new cards! ok i also got my military i-d and an airsoft gun. me and my dad where shooting my cat (it had bb's in it =])we will vidieo tape it 2! it was fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am getting a lot better mentally but Physical and Emotional problems keep surfacing.

Physical
I have been having pain and pressure in my lower back and pain shooting down my ass cheek and down my leg all the way into my foot. It has been almost 3 months since we were blown up and we finally got around to getting it checked out. As it turns out I have a herniated disk that is pushing on my spinal cord and my S1 nerve that feeds into your sciatic nerve. I am waiting for my appointment with Neurosurgery to evaluate me for Surgery. I hope they just go for the surgery and not try a ton of alternatives in attempt to fix it. I am having trouble laying down, sitting, standing up and walking. So I would like a quick fix and no screwing around. I am tired of walking around like I got a load in my pants and I walk slow as shit, my kids were leaving me in the dust.

I did some research and found out that the operation is done as an Outpatient procedure or at most 1 day in the hospital and the recovery is 1 – 3 weeks. That is bad ass. Also I damaged my sinuses and ENT has me taking medications trying to fix it, doesn’t seem to be working too well. If the Meds don’t work then I have to go in with them and get checked out further to figure out what the hell is going on and how we can fix it.

On the lighter side of my Physical problems the swelling in my retinas seems to be going down and the Photophobia is getting better. I still need to wear Sunglasses or tinted glasses most of the day; I no longer have to wear them at night anymore. My Memory is getting a lot better. I work on it so much, I cannot stand being faulty. I still forget things but it is nowhere near as bad as it was nor as often. The TBI clinic said I scored very well on the last test that I took. I should be done with them as soon as I get my sleeping in order.

I am going through a sleep study and it seems to work some of the time. The study involves a lot of relaxation techniques and meditation, nothing new for me. I have been meditating for almost 20 years anyway. I still suffer from insomnia anywhere from 3 – 5 days out of the week but I do get a chance to rest and it feels so good when I do. The only thing that bothers me the most is the fact that I cannot do PT, with that and the meds I gained like 10 – 15 lbs since I have been back and I hate it. However I am going to start doing Yoga, I hope that that will help with my feelings of laziness. The best thing about insomnia is you have more than enough time in the day to try new things.

Emotional
First off I am so glad that I have the insight into myself to see changes in my behavior, feelings and overall mental stability. It seems that the more my mind heals the more crap surfaces. I have a case manager that explained it perfect. She said “The more my mind heals the more my world opens up, however my mind needs to learn how to process all the new information coming in”. It is now to the point where I am staying home no matter what because I do not trust myself around people now. I get enraged so fast and with cause that I will end up hurting someone.

I am defiantly blessed to have the wife that I do, she is so patient with me and knows when to pull back or when it is time to get me home. We were out today and I freaked out over nothing, it just about trashed my day. I feel bad because when I am like that my kids catch the brunt of it, and all they are only being kids. I hate it when I yell at them and thank god that I would rather destroy a stranger than physically harm my wife and kids. But I do run off at the mouth. I cannot stand feeling that rage again and knowing that all someone would have to do is slightly provoke me or if I think they thought about provoking me and I would unload on them. I get to the point where I don’t care if they are men, women, children, disabled, elderly or even a person. I just want to destroy something a car, tree, animal, house anything. I want to cause damage to something that will cause pain to another person. If I can’t hurt them I want to kill something that will cause them pain physical, emotional, spiritual, metaphysical, whatever just hurt motherfucker.

With all that going on I have enough since to stay home and book an appointment with behavioral health. I have been here before and I made it though, As I told everyone when I was a kid, I cannot control myself once I reached a certain point and I do not think in terms of right and wrong. I don’t comprehend consequences. It is not where I want to be and I have enough assets around me where I do not need to fight myself I can get help. And a big part for me is putting it down and letting people know